It’s not just a forward motion by Ruth Neuwald Falcon

I am aware that while I am moving toward — some old friends and a couple of new ones, a part of the country that I always thought of as home, an over-55 community that I’m hoping will really become my community — I am also aware that I am moving away. I am literally moving away from where my (step)son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren live. Knowing (hoping) that it is the right move for me doesn’t prevent the heartache of saying goodbye, even just for a few (how many?) months until our first visit. I also know that such visits give one special time together, but still.

The two time zone difference with the west coast has facilitated my connection with my friends and colleagues there. I know that three hours makes it feel a lot further away. I know this because I know how far I felt from my friends and life there when I left the east coast. So while I physically left my west coast friends almost a year ago, I am feeling the pangs of those separations afresh as I face the reality that it will take more effort on all our parts to keep the connections active. The heart connections will always be there, I know that and am comforted by it, but still.

Three more days of packing before the movers come. My spreadsheet is a lot less detailed than it was in the beginning. I know that it’s always like this at the end, that no matter how much prep time one has given oneself, there’s always the last minute scramble to figure out where to put those final miscellaneous things that don’t seem to fit well together into boxes. There’s also the deep weariness, emotional as well as physical, that exacerbates the head-scratching confusion. I am well aware that I am not functioning at my highest level. I am doing my best, but still.

I moved to Southern California in September of 1984 and to Seattle in July of 1993. I have now lived almost exactly half my life on each coast. (I’ve been in Minneapolis just shy of a year, so I’m not counting it in my life equation.) My hope is that this move will bring me to where my heart feels at home. But still.