by I had a friend once who prided herself on never complaining. “What’s the point?” she would say. “It doesn’t change anything and just makes other people not want to be with you. All that negativity.” At this point, it always seemed to me that if she had had feathers, she would have fluffed them.
I spent many years doing my best not to let folks see the truth about how I felt (lousy). I was sure that what my friend said was right, and that if they knew, people would distance themselves from me. Then, five years ago, the life I had carefully curated for more than three decades blew up and with it any possibility of pretending all was well.
What I did with my friends for more than a year after that was way more than simple “complaining.” I ranted and wept. I had no choice but to share the truth about what was going on, both in the externals of my life and inside me. And you know what they did? They stuck around. No, more than that. They started opening up to me more. And, much to my amazement, they seemed to like me better.
Because I shared — another way to look at what I had thought of as “complaining” — the rawness of my pain, it gave them space to be more open about what was really going on in their lives. Our relationships grew deeper and closer.
But here’s the thing. It’s one thing to let loose when a crisis is happening. It’s another to navigate regular life, when nothing in particular is “wrong.” Except that the world we live in is existentially challenging. The climate is punishing us for our societal misdeeds. And I, and my friends, are confronting the unknown in the form of aging, a whole new territory from which there is no return. Nor is there a map, though there are plenty of scary stories and examples of how badly it can go.
That friend I had who prided herself on not complaining? We lost touch. The truth is I’d rather be friends with people who aren’t sunny all the time. A little of that goes a long way. Tell me the truth about what’s going on and you’ve got me.
Discover more from Ruth Neuwald Falcon
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Ruth Neuwald Falcon 
Truth is love. Glad that we are friends.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brava Ruth! Well said! We can all do with some changes and change often begins with complaints. Most of my good friends are at the age, (I’m 73) where we often bark about our health. My wife, (75), calls it the “Organ Recital” We usually get it out of the way quickly so we can move on to other more important subjects like art, music, literature, animals, and the state of our planet. There is some light at the end of our tunnel!
Cheers,
Phil DiGiacomo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Couldn’t agree more!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Another great essay. We started out complaining to each other all those years ago, and I’m glad we did. And you do have a way with words — have me pondering aging as a “territory from which there is no return”. Oi!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Indeed Ruth,
There is so much truth left unsaid, for fear of hurting others, while carrying the burden of that hurt inside ourselves. It takes the wisdom of maturity to learn that we don’t have to live like that. So, while aging has its own set of challenges, it also helps us realize that we have limited time left to live the life we want to live.
I commend your courage for finding your own way and for sharing your experience.
Warmest regards to you dear friend,
Janina
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Ruth,
It takes great courage to change one’s life, and letting go of things that don’t help us live the life we want. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experience, for it helps me see how things can be different, and realize that change (and complaining) is the path to find a better life.
Janina
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Ruth, Great to hear from you. Real friends know life is not always unicorns and rainbows and will be there when you need them. I am so glad you have such good friends in your life, Ruth. They are a treasure.
Long time ago, I took a Dale Carnegie Course. The instructor told us one thing that I didn’t quite understand. He said, Everyone’s heart is breaking. I thought that to be a very strange statement. Because when I looked around, it sure didn’t seem like it. But I have come to understand that everyone has something in their life that is a challenge. Good friends are those who can listen and be supportive.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Friends 4 ever!
LikeLiked by 1 person